Today started just like any other day, I woke up, I got up, I fed the bunnies and I sat down to meditate. Nothing unusual in that until suddenly I felt this wave come over me. I don't know how best to describe it. All I can say is that out of the blue I just wanted to cry.
So I did.
As I cried I felt grief, I felt sadness, I felt overwhelm, I felt hurt, I felt pressure, I felt alone, I felt unheard, I felt unseen, I felt un-needed.
And I had so many thoughts racing round in my head. So much negative talk chundering away at me.
I honestly have no clue where all this came from and why. All I know was that I had to give it air time. I had to just let it wash over me because clearly it was creating blocks in me that aren't doing me any favours by holding onto them.
The whole experience took me back to my teenage years. When I was a teen every month or two I would head to my bedroom and just cry, cry, cry. I'd release everything that had built up inside of me, everything that I held onto, everything that I felt I couldn't talk about to anyone because they just didn't understand me. Crying was the only way to get it out of my system... as best I could, and as much as I could.
Looking back now I know I was a highly sensitive teenager (and still am a highly sensitive person). I took everything to heart. And people around me just didn't understand that. So it always felt like there was something wrong with me. That I wasn't strong enough to handle life around me. That I was weak because I took everything so personally. That I was broken because I felt such powerful emotions around the smallest of things.
And this morning I felt exactly all that, again. And that's tough.
Because the last month or so (and probably much longer than that, if I'm honest) my life has changed dramatically. I closed my prior business to set out on a new path I felt I was being pulled towards. When I closed my business the sense of relief was stronger than I could have imagined. I didn't feel sad, I didn't feel I'd let my customers down, I didn't feel I had failed... so I had no need to grieve.
But this morning I feel I have touched on some grief.
Whilst my prior business wasn't the success I had dreamed. And whilst, towards the end, if I'm really honest with myself, I knew my life was out of alignment and I no longer had the same passion for the products I created, it still was a big part of my life. And now it's gone. So, to grieve for it, even though I know letting go was the right thing to do, is only natural.
At the same time I was following a very strong tug on my heart-strings. I was deciding to follow the hints and nudges that the Universe has been sending for a long time. I was choosing to hone in and develop the abilities that others have been seeing in me but which I was in denial of myself.
But you can't just hop from one business one day to being fully capable of applying your innate skills, or gifts, in a totally different field the next. You need time to learn, practise, develop and hone your skills. You need time to transition.
And I feel I've been struggling with that both inwardly and outwardly.
And I feel that's why everything has come crashing down around me this morning.
A few weeks ago I wrote a blogpost "Just be You" where I talked about being honest with yourself, blazing the path that works for you and not listening to the advice of those around you; being true to yourself. At the time I knew I was embarking on a challenge. I was grappling between being the person everyone expected me to be and doing what everyone expected me to do, with just being true to myself. I was trying to find a way to fit in but to stand out and just be honest about who I truly am. And being yourself can be much harder than you think as I found out in my follow-up blogpost "The Challenge of Being You".
And this morning this has all come to the surface again.
Because by choosing to follow the path that I feel the Universe is drawing me towards means I'm starting anew. Fresh starts can and are very exciting but, for some time, they simply won't pay the bills. And that's what's been weighing on my mind hugely these last weeks.
My husband has always been so supportive with my previous business and whilst he understands that stepping back into the world of work and getting a 'proper' job would be frightening and challenging for me after being away from that life for so many years, I can feel his desire for me to do just that so I can help take some of the burden off us financially. That's so much easier than pursuing 'another' dream or following the next path I feel drawn to.
My father has always been incredibly supportive of me too. But when I told my parents about closing my business he immediately went into the "let's get you back to corporate" mode and that felt crushing to me, to the extent that I feel like a child again not being allowed to make my own decisions. I know he's coming from a place of love and I know it's the only life he understands... but it's not the life I want to live. In his world dreams are simply dreams. You don't give up normal life and a proper career to pursue a passion. Your head should always rule over your heart.
And that's the challenge. And that's my struggle today.
Do I let myself (and, I believe, the Universe) down or do I let everyone else down?
Do I crumble under all the pressure or do I try to keep my head above water and hope that I don't drown?
I'm sitting here at a crossroads this morning and I honestly don't know which path I should follow. The easier path that will keep all those around me happy and feeling comfortable? Or the path that is laden with bumps and challenges that leads to a destination I can't yet see or a destination I may never even reach?
Oh... if only I had a crystal ball that could make my decision so much easier!
And that's why, today, I've decided to be gentle to myself. When your mind is running riot, when your thoughts are dancing in circles, you're not in the right mindset to make an adult and sensible decision.
So today I'm being an observer. I'm listening to the terrified voice in my head. I'm giving it space to voice its fears. And I'm being supportive, kind and gentle to it. Because I know it's scared. And I know that all it wants for me is to be safe. I know how uncomfortable it feels to even tiptoe outside its comfort zone.
And I'll also look inward. I'll check in with my heart. I'll check in with the angels and the Universe for support and guidance too.
And then tomorrow, perhaps, just perhaps, I'll have a clearer view of the next step(s) to take.
It's incredibly hard being true to yourself. On the surface of it, it sounds like it's the easiest thing in the world... until you truly are faced with being true to yourself or blending in and being 'normal'. Society, our friends, our family, life... we're conditioned to blend in. We're conditioned not to rock the boat. We're all conditioned by fear. And that conditioning is incredibly powerful.
Breaking away from that conditioning is difficult and lonely. Because it's the path less trodden and the path that people stand back from, only willing to observe from a distance. If you continue to walk that path for long, you'll find it can be a lonely path with a mere few onlookers from the sidelines hoping for you to succeed but (more) ready for you to fail.
Do I have the courage to keep walking? And do you have the courage to walk your own path and be true to yourself?
Only time will tell...