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After years of promoting self-love to others, yesterday I found that I didn't love myself. Because yesterday I was in a low place.
It wasn't anything as shallow as having a bad hair day... I'm at the stage where I can now look myself in the eyes and tell myself "I love you" even when my hair's standing on end.
Yesterday it went deeper.
Yesterday I didn't love my body... inside my body.
You see the night before I received an email from my doctor and I didn't like the sound of that email. She wants me to go for further investigations and possible biopsies as there are cells in my body which are "changing and progressing". And reading that email frightened me. No... it still frightens me.
And suddenly the world I created in my mind was dark, unknown, and scary. So I didn't sleep. But I did cry.
And yesterday I couldn't stop crying, fearing the unknown and wondering "what more does my body have to endure?" You see for many years now, since 2006, I have been dealing with Crohn's/Colitis. A couple of summers ago the skin on my feet and lower legs became red, dry, flaky and itchy... possible eczema/psoriasis which I'm still treating. And just over a year ago I was dignosed with Diabetes which I control with tablets.
So you can imagine my reaction "what more does my body have to endure?". And, no doubt, you can imagine my level of fear. My immune system has been lowered in order to keep my Crohn's/Colitis at bay so when I contract an illness or infection, my body struggles to fight it. So an infection that should have cleared up by itself a few months ago has now resulted in cells with are "changing and progressing".
So yesterday I went into freak-out mode and shut myself off... almost completely.
I still contacted my mindset/spritual mentor (and friend) for advice on what I should do between now and the pending investigation and, as hard as it was to do, I stuck to my morning routine of EFT (tapping), meditating, talking with the angels, writing my gratitude from the day before and pulling angel oracle cards for the day ahead. All of which helped pick my vibration up from off the floor.
One piece of advice that my mentor gave me was to stop doing things I don't love. To only focus on the things that bring me joy and happiness. And that piece of advice stayed prominent in my mind right through to today, through yesterday when I just had to be on my own with my thoughts (as dark as they might be) to this morning when I felt better after a good night's sleep and deciding what to do today, focusing on doing only the things that I love.
And one of those things was to write this blogpost.
This morning I felt the desire to write about my interpretation of a posiive and uplifting quote. And that quote arrived to me in the form of one of the angel oracle cards I pulled for myself today.
When I asked the angels for guidance for my personal life I received this card: "Honour Your Beauty: Thank you Archangel Jophiel for helping me discover my inner and outer beauty"
Yesterday I couldn't find any beauty inside of my body. To me my body felt like a burden holding down my soul, failing more and more as the years go by, attracting one imbalance and dis-ease after the next.
But today I feel I'm being encouraged to thank my body for being so strong that it is still here, still able to fight any challenges that comes its way. Today, as strange and far-fetched as it may sound, I am grateful for my body. I am grateful for the illnesses and dis-eases I have accumulated over time because each and every one has taught me a new and valuable lesson. And, as a result, I have grown as a person.
So my body, inside, may not be picture-perfect. It has bruises, it has many faults, it may (at times) be completely out of whack and causing me pain, discomfort and sleepless nights. But it's my body. And if I claim to love myself (or, at least be working towards self-love) then I have to love not only my outer-self but my inner-self too.
For too long I thought that loving your inner self was only about your spirituality and honesty, how you treat those around you both human and non-human, your integrity and ethics, all about your non-physical heart. But today I'm placing another piece in my personal self-love jigsaw and that piece is guiding me to love my physical inner-self too. That's not something I have really ever thought deeply about. But it is something that, hand on heart, I can't always say I have loved.
So today I'm embarking on a new stage of my life-long journey towards self-love. Loving my physical self on the inside as well as the outside.