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.. but I don't know what it is.
This last day or so has been strange.
Yesterday I was suddenly hit by an unexpected desire to cry, an experience that took me back to my teenage years. So I wrote about it here in my blog as I found it less overwhelming to write it out of me than to cry it out of me. You can read that blogpost here.
And now here I am sitting in the wee small hours and sleep evades me.
I woke near 2am, as is common for me - it's around that time that my body, mind, soul wakens to say "thank you for the meditations I've been listening to while you slept. Now's the time to turn them off." But, unlike practically every night, my conscious mind suddenly woke up, would not switch off, and would not let me body return to sleep.
Rather it went into overdrive.
It started thinking through what happened me yesterday, regurgitating and dissecting everything. It started going through what has been happening me these last couple of weeks... they have been unsettling too as I struggled with internal anger and agitation which I put down to being out of my normal every day routine (I was on vacation) and, therefore, forgot to meditate (read about that here) and the feeling of abandonment by the angels during my recent "Crisis of Confidence". Experiences which I suspect have a deeper meaning than the ones I have labelled them with.
At first I tried to rationalise everything and I tried to understand why I'm feeling so out of whack at the moment. Is there a stange energy from the recent full moon? Is there an intense energy at the moment, in general? Are others also feeling out of whack too? But all this only looked to give meaning to why I'm feeling how I'm feeling right now. All this only looked to give substance and an outer meaning to everything that's personal and going on inside me.
And, when I dig deeper, I don't need those outer assurances or outer explanations. The need for those only comes from fear-based thinking.
When I look inward, I feel things are changing, transforming in me. But I don't know why or what this will lead to. Again, the need to understand is fear-based. So I'm sitting here wanting to accept that these changes are necessary for my higher good and to become a better person, without having to understand the why's and how's about it all. But my conscious mind, the very vocal voice in my head, is struggling with 'just' accepting. Oh how I wish I could quieten (or soften) her panic-stricken voice!
When I realised a couple of hours ago that I was not going to get back to sleep I decided to read for a short while. Reading always calms my mind until, after an hour or so, I'm back in a relaxed enough state to go back to sleep.
But I'm here, more than 2 hours later, and my mind is buzzing even more.
Because when I wondered what book I should read (I've recently just finished a book so I didn't have an obvious go-to), the book that jumped into my head was one that I have a bit of a history with (which I'll talk about outside this blogpost because it's just too much to include here and, quite honestly, beyond the scope of this morning's musings).
I felt this was the book I needed to open. This was the book I felt drawn to. This was the book that would sort out my mind so I could relax and go back to sleep for another couple of hours.
And the book that leapt into my consciousness was "Conversations with God" by Neale Donald Walsch. I'm not sure if you've ever read this book (or, indeed, this trilogy) but, take it from me, never ever choose to read it when you've found yourself awake during the night and are looking for something to read that will relax you and send you back to your slumber.
This book is not that book!
This book will only stir your mind further. It's not a book you can skim read, you need to digest every single word. You need to re-read paragraphs, even pages to wrap your head around what's written. And, in doing so, I guarantee if your mind doesn't scramble, it will definitely waken up and start to ask some crazy-ass questions.
This book will also lead to a blogpost like this.
But it's the book I needed to open. It's the book I needed to begin reading (again). Because deep down I feel it will reveal the answers, or at least hint towards the reasons, as to why I seem to be going through a crazy funk right now.
I still don't have those answers (that would be way too soon, right?) but I think that's okay; that's how I feel it's meant to be because there's something stirring deep inside me that I sense my reality and consciousness may not yet be ready for. It's something I feel needs to unfold gradually. (As I write that my conscious mind has gone into another fear-based tailspin because it desperately wants me to apologise for saying that there may be "something stirring deep inside me" because saying something like that, it believes, implies I'm special or unique. But aren't we all?)
And so, while I now accept that sleep will not return this morning, I am waking up to the idea that something's happening. I may not, yet, know what it is. I may not, yet, know what the final outcome/result will be. But I feel that what has been important is the realisation that something's happening.
Jump forward a few hours.
Thanks to my loving husband I got a couple of hours sleep. As he was getting up to get ready for work, I asked him to feed the bunnies so I could grab a couple of hours of sleep to make up for all the hours of sleep that evaded me during the night, and he kindly stepped in to help.
I only needed a couple hours and then was up and about again, feeling revived.
But that's not why I've hopped back in with an update on this blogpost.
As I went about my morning routine, albeit a couple of hours later than usual, and entered my daily meditation practise, something happened.
As I sat there silently focusing on my breath, a picture/video came into my mind. It was an image of me standing inside a pupa or cocoon, just like a larva waiting to grow until it outgrows the cocoon that is hosting it, breaks through and metamorphises into the adult insect it is destined to become, ready to fulfil its place in the world. I could feel and see myself pressing against the walls of the pupa, trying to burst through. I could feel the emotion building up inside me as I began pounding on the walls to break out. But all the pupa did was move and expand like elastic, to my pounding, and then contract back when I stopped. I could not break free. But when I took a few moments to settle, to let the panic of being enclosed subside, I felt that I was here for a purpose. And, in time, I could and would easily break through the protective pupa walls.
That image was really powerful because I feel it encapsulates everything that I have been and am going through at the moment. Someting's happening and I don't know (exactly) what that is but I feel it's what I need and when I go through the transformation that seems to be touching me now, then I'll have the strength to easily break through the protective cocoon. But that'll only happen once my transformation has taken place and I'm ready to take my place in the world.