it's me! i created it

I used to believe that life happened to me. That I was simply a victim of bad luck, bad genes, and bad circumstances. When I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease back in 2006, I asked the same question so many others do: “Why me?” I searched for reasons outside myself - family history, stress, diet, environmental factors - never once considering that, on some level, I had created this condition myself.

Yet, here’s the truth that many won’t want to hear: I manifested my Crohn’s Disease.

Through my thoughts, emotions, beliefs, and the way I lived my life, I physically created the disease in my body. And as harsh as that may sound, it’s also the most empowering realisation I have ever had - because if I created it, then I can change it.

For years, going back as far as I can remember, I had carried emotional burdens I never fully addressed. I bottled up anger, stress, and resentment, letting them fester beneath the surface. I can remember locking myself in my bedroom as a teenager once every couple of months and just exploding into tears because the negative emotions I had trapped inside me were simply too much to bear. For too many years, I never truly allowed myself to feel, to process, or to heal. Instead, I pushed forward, telling myself that “life is just hard” and that I had to endure. I took on responsibilities that weren’t mine, overcommitted to things I didn’t want to do, and neglected my own needs in the process.

It wasn’t until a couple of years after hitting rock bottom - suffering through unbearable pain, constant fatigue, fear that my body was betraying me, all whilst battling a job in corporate where I was under constant stress and being bullied - that I finally asked myself the hard question: What if this disease isn’t happening to me, what if it's happening because of me?

That single question changed everything.

It forced me to look at my life through a new lens, one where I had to own my role in every single thing that had happened - including my illness.

At first, the idea that I had “manifested” my illness seemed ridiculous. However, the more I examined my life, the clearer it became. The evidence I uncovered included

Living in Constant Stress and Negativity - For years, my mind was a battlefield of worry, self-doubt, and anxiety. I always expected the worst, played out negative scenarios in my head, and carried an underlying belief that life was a struggle. Not only my unfounded loyalty to my job and company, the long hours I willingly worked, the constant giving into stress and being bullied... it all took its toll. My nervous system was in a constant state of fight-or-flight, and my body responded accordingly. Chronic stress is a known trigger for inflammatory diseases, and I had been feeding my body a steady diet of it.

Suppressing My Emotions - I never allowed myself to truly feel. It was something I grew up with since... I don't know what age. I learned that expressing your emotions in front of people often made them uncomfortable, even caregivers, and so I created the belief that it was wrong to do so. That meant that if something upset me, I buried it. If I was hurt, I pretended I wasn’t. If I was angry, I swallowed it down. My body became the container for all the unexpressed emotions I refused to deal with, and eventually, that energy had to go somewhere. After years and decades of bottling up negative emotions, they manifested as inflammation, pain, and disease.

Ignoring My Body’s Needs - I treated my body as an afterthought, always prioritising work, responsibilities, and other people’s needs over my own well-being. I ate food that didn’t nourish me, slept too little, partied too hard, and never truly listened to what my body was telling me. My body didn’t “fail” me - I failed my body.

Holding Onto Self-Destructive Beliefs - Deep inside, I've always carried the belief that I'm not enough. A lifetime of reading (and mis-reading) people re-enforced my belief. Standing in a circle of friends where, one by one, they accidentally turned their back on me - I thought it meant they didn't want me around because I wasn't good enough. Having someone talk over me while I was speaking - well, obviously I thought that I had nothing worthwhile to say - I wasn't good enough... to name but a couple of examples. I construed such experiences into a feeling that I had to prove my worth through suffering, through pushing myself beyond my limits, through sacrificing my health and happiness for others. That belief became a self-fulfilling prophecy. My body mirrored what I believed about myself.

Once I finally accepted and realised that I, and I alone, had created my illness, I gradually began to believe and accept that I should have the power to heal - what you have the power to create, you also have the power to un-create, right? Now, don't get me wrong that realisation didn't mean ignoring medical treatment or pretending Crohn’s Disease doesn’t exist (I did try both courses of actions with dire consequences). It means addressing the root cause - the mental, emotional, and energetic patterns that created the disease in the first place - something I still haven't perfected and continue to work hard to do.

However, so far, on my path to accepting responsibility for the illness I have created in my body I have worked on...

Shifting My Mindset - It's taken years to reach this stage, however, I no longer see myself as a victim. Instead of asking “Why me?” I now ask “What is this teaching me?” I choose to see my illness as a wake-up call, an opportunity to realign with my highest self.

Processing My Emotions - I'm still a work-in-progress, however, I have learned to feel. Whilst tears have always been a part of who I am, I now honour tears as a strength, not a weakness and allow them to flow when they need to (or at least I try). I attempt to express anger in healthy ways and I try to do so as and when it rises within me rather than bottling it up. And I allow myself to be vulnerable and acknowledge my pain (most of the time) instead of suppressing it - if I'm having a tough day I make every effort (even though it goes against my grain) to take things easy.

Releasing Stress and Practicing Self-Care - Meditation, breathwork, tapping, mindfulness have become daily practices for me. I actively work to reduce stress, whether that means setting boundaries, saying no, or simply taking time for myself. Finally I'm placing my own well-being much higher up on my priority list (although I still have some practice to do before it reaches and stays in the #1 spot).

Fueling My Body with Love - Crohn's, when you tune in and listen to your body, teaches you so much about foods that support a healthy body and foods that are detrimental. And whilst I still have days when I crave (and eat) comfort and junk food (nobody's perfect), I am more mindful of nourishing my body with whole, healing foods that reduce inflammation and support my health. I listen to what my body truly needs, not just what my cravings or habits dictate.

Rewriting My Inner Narrative - I am no longer willing to hold onto beliefs that do not serve me, of which I have many. Rather, I am working towards accepting that I am worthy of health, that my body is capable of healing, and that I do not need to suffer to prove my worth.

Taking 100% responsibility for my illness hasn't been and isn’t easy. It would be far simpler to blame genetics, bad luck, or external factors. However, I know that that would also mean giving away my power. And I refuse to do that... I can be stubborn like that.

No doctor, no treatment, no external solution can heal what I have created from within. Yes, medical support is important. Yes, lifestyle changes matter. However, true healing comes from the inside out. No one else can do this work for me. It is my responsibility, and mine alone.

Back in 2006, I never envisioned ever saying anything like: Crohn’s Disease has been one of my greatest blessing and my greatest teacher. And yet here I ma, saying just that. It has forced me to wake up, to look at my life in a way I never had before, and to take full ownership of everything I create. It has pushed me to heal not just physically, also emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

It doesn't have to be Crohn's for you, it can by anything. Everyday our bodies are communicating with us, warning us, advising us. For you it could be a simple cold, a broken bone, or a devastating and terminal illness. The question is, "are you ready to accept responsibility for whatever imbalance, illness, dis-ease your body is currently experiencing?"

Where in your life are you refusing to take responsibility? What pain, illness, or struggle have you unconsciously created? And most importantly - are you ready to take your power back?

Because the truth is, everything in your life is a manifestation of your own energy. And the moment you fully own that, you reclaim the power to change it.

I’m choosing to heal. I’m choosing to live consciously. I’m choosing to take full responsibility for my life.

What do you choose?